Trending: kids with vampire fangs

An open letter to Miss Charlie:

Miss Charlie, you are an amazing girl with such a vivid imagination. You are bursting with creativity and clever ideas. When everyone else is thinking logically, you’re thinking in the abstract. At just six years of age you’ve already progressed to development stages well beyond your youthful years, a feat that not even Piaget could have accounted for. You should be so incredibly proud of this. I know I am proud on your behalf. Your level of maturity and sage perspective makes it an absolute pleasure to spend time with you. Everyday you make me smile and laugh and ensure that I rethink my viewpoint on most things. I look forward to listening to all of your interesting stories from your adventures at school. Also, don’t tell anyone, but I especially love the 3pm school pick up because it rationalises my longing for ice cream. I mean if you’re eating ice cream then I figure I can too right?

My only wish, and I say this out of the kindness of my heart,

is that you stop trying to turn me into a vampire.

I of course more than willingly do Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny and all of your imaginary friends. Sometimes I convince myself that there is a Sock Fairy that has a thing for creating odd socks, and I often wish for a Cleaning Fairy that would magically sweep her wand and make everything sparkle. Come to think of it, I even have a resounding belief that Fairies really are out there flitting about in the magical woods. Despite this, I simply won’t do ‘vampires’. Yes Twilight is a pretty cool story. Yes Dracula is a classic and puts forth a solid argument (not that you’re old enough to have read the rather imposing tome). But I simply can’t possibly believe that vampires exist. I know this because if they did, Edward Cullen would already have been mine. I would be enjoying an ever-lasting lifetime of sheer angelic beauty, unparalleled senses and a love story like no other. I am sure of my convictions.

So please, and I cannot stress this enough, please stop trying to bite me and turn me into a vampire with your razor-sharp vampire fangs. It’s kind of weird to have you show your teeth and hiss at me. My blood does not taste sweet, it tastes metallic and I’m sure would be rather unpleasant to drink. Please stop refusing to eat all food except that which resembles blood, you’re doing my head in and making meal times even more difficult to plan than they already are. Furthermore, please stop trying to bite yourself! Your precious skin will thank you for it when you’re older. Most of all, regardless of the benefit of hindsight, it’s just simply not worth the pain and heartache.

Keep in mind my requests, give it some thought and see what you think. You should find that I’m not really asking too much of you.

Yours truly,

Nanny SheCanDo.

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